Never Enough Part 2 - Parenting with Grace
Through a penetrating look at Never Enough, this review examines how America's obsession with academic achievement shapes our children's futures and sense of self-worth. Drawing from personal experience and cross-cultural insights, it challenges parents to question whether our pursuit of excellence has gone too far.
🕊️ Parenting with Grace: Finding Balance in a Culture of Pressure
The modern ideal of “intensive parenting” is leading to anxiety, isolation, and burnout. Here’s what Never Enough taught me about replacing control with trust.
The Trap of ‘Intensive Parenting’
The book Never Enough by Jennifer Breheny Wallace explores the societal shift toward “intensive parenting,” a style characterized by extreme involvement in children’s lives, often to the point of detriment.
This phenomenon is deeply tied to privilege. It is most prevalent among parents with ample resources, such as those who hold college degrees or have stable family structures. Yet, the stresses of this approach transcend privilege, revealing a universal struggle among parents to balance:
- Involvement with autonomy.
- Fear with trust.
- Control with grace.
The author connects intensive parenting to broader societal trends, particularly the “bowling alone” effect—the breakdown of supportive networks like extended families and close-knit communities. This isolation leaves parents feeling solely responsible for their children’s success, creating immense pressure to be self-sufficient and “owe nothing to anyone.”
From a spiritual perspective, this relentless drive for independence and control is a worldly pursuit, not a Christ-like one. Scripture calls us to trust in God and lean on one another in humility and love ($Proverbs\ 3:5-6$, $Galatians\ 6:2$). Yet, as a parent, I know how easy it is to let irrational fears take over and seek control rather than trusting in God’s providence.
Privilege, Perception, and Pressure
The book highlights the complex racial and cultural dynamics of these parenting styles.
While intensive parenting among white mothers may be viewed as fulfilling a natural maternal duty, similar behaviors among minority mothers are often labeled differently—consider the stereotype of “Tiger Moms” in Asian-American families. These cultural expectations often stem from real experiences of scarcity and a deep-seated desire to set children up for success in a competitive environment.
While I empathize with this drive, the book reminded me of my own upbringing, where my parents granted me a surprising degree of autonomy and trust, even when it probably wasn’t warranted. That trust allowed me to navigate the uncertainties of life and grow in resilience, a gift I cherish.
The author points out that even privilege offers no insulation from parental struggles. College-educated mothers, for example, frequently experience anxiety and depression as their children reach adolescence and begin pulling away emotionally.
This struck a chord with me, reminding me of Jesus’ teachings on unconditional love and grace. In my own competitive and comparison-driven tendencies, I see how easily fear can replace trust, and control can usurp love. Jesus reminds us to love without conditions and to model grace, even when our children do not reciprocate as we hope ($1\ Corinthians\ 13:4-7$).
The Value of Non-Optional Family Activities (NOFAs)
One of the most practical takeaways from the book is the importance of NOFAs—Non-Optional Family Activities—such as game nights or shared meals.
These simple, consistent moments communicate the value of simply being together, creating a safe space for joy and connection that is not tied to performance.
It is heartbreaking to read about the mental health struggles many children face today, striving for perfection in body image, academics, or athletics, and sometimes feeling so overwhelmed that they contemplate suicide. The book reminds us that safe spaces to talk, laugh, and connect are more vital than ever.
Reading this chapter has left me both convicted and profoundly grateful. I’m reminded to lean on God’s grace in my parenting and to actively resist the cultural push for control, competition, and perfection. It also makes me deeply thankful for my wife, who naturally models so many of these principles through her nurturing spirit, even when the pressures of parenting weigh heavily on us both.
A Note on Reflection: As a young parent, I’m still learning and growing in how I approach parenting and life. My reflections here are not meant to suggest that I have all the answers or to place myself above others. Rather, they are an attempt to communicate values that resonate with me and that I hope to strive for in my own journey.
AI Transparency Note: This article was edited and polished using Generative AI. All opinions expressed are solely my own, and I remain entirely responsible for the final content and accuracy.